So, as I mentioned in the previous post, I did not expect myself to fall into what I call as the black zone again. And it was even more surprising because I've been there before. Ideally, I should've read the signs, the symptoms.
After recent conversations with friends and periodic self reflection, I found out that I wasn't fully aware on the importance of listing and writing down my symptoms. In hope that I would never enter that terrible and painful zone ever again, I unconsciously deleted the related memories, including the symptoms.
Now I accept that healing is a process. And the possibility of me falling apart again is just inevitable. So rather than denying, I'm now trying to write down my symptoms (and later on: what to do if the symptoms came up). This note will function as a self-reminder, so that whenever I feel the symptoms, I could then jump to the first-aid-plan.
The Zones
In general, I divide my mental health state into 4 zones. Green, means I'm totally okay. Yellow, means light stress. Red means dangerous, very stressful. And black, let's just simplify it as suicidal.
For now I will only write the red and black symptoms.
Red Zone
Black Zone
After recent conversations with friends and periodic self reflection, I found out that I wasn't fully aware on the importance of listing and writing down my symptoms. In hope that I would never enter that terrible and painful zone ever again, I unconsciously deleted the related memories, including the symptoms.
Now I accept that healing is a process. And the possibility of me falling apart again is just inevitable. So rather than denying, I'm now trying to write down my symptoms (and later on: what to do if the symptoms came up). This note will function as a self-reminder, so that whenever I feel the symptoms, I could then jump to the first-aid-plan.
The Zones
In general, I divide my mental health state into 4 zones. Green, means I'm totally okay. Yellow, means light stress. Red means dangerous, very stressful. And black, let's just simplify it as suicidal.
For now I will only write the red and black symptoms.
Red Zone
- Numbness. Can't feel anything
- Constant flashback on bad memories. Very difficult to get rid of them. Fulfilling my head, all the time
- Highly productive. Work work work work work work work
- ...but refusing to do things that I love
- Avoiding people in general, except for work
- Irritable. In details: very nosy, pessimistic, sees no hope in everything, get angry easily, cold, impatient
- Excessive or lack of eating
- Almost never sleep. Very difficult to sleep. And again: work work work work
- Excessive drinking, alcoholic
Black Zone
- Continuous sadness and anxiety
- Constant flashback
- hopeless
- crying all the time, keep questioning why and why and why
- can barely get up
- Unable to do almost anything
- Almost total social isolation
- very difficult to remember things, except the bad memories.
- constant useless feeling
- constant suicidal / death thoughts.
- Nausea
- blank
- sleep endlessly and hoping to never wake up, but never feel fresh after sleep. High in number, very lacking in quality
Okay. That's it. Originally written in May 29, 2019. Will keep updating.