So, as I mentioned in the previous post, I did not expect myself to fall into what I call as the black zone again. And it was even more surprising because I've been there before. Ideally, I should've read the signs, the symptoms.

After recent conversations with friends and periodic self reflection, I found out that I wasn't fully aware on the importance of listing and writing down my symptoms. In hope that I would never enter that terrible and painful zone ever again, I unconsciously deleted the related memories, including the symptoms.

Now I accept that healing is a process. And the possibility of me falling apart again is just inevitable. So rather than denying, I'm now trying to write down my symptoms (and later on: what to do if the symptoms came up). This note will function as a self-reminder, so that whenever I feel the symptoms, I could then jump to the first-aid-plan.

The Zones
In general, I divide my mental health state into 4 zones. Green, means I'm totally okay. Yellow, means light stress. Red means dangerous, very stressful. And black, let's just simplify it as suicidal.
For now I will only write the red and black symptoms.

Red Zone

• Numbness. Can't feel anything
• Constant flashback on bad memories. Very difficult to get rid of them. Fulfilling my head, all the time
• Highly productive. Work work work work work work work
• ...but refusing to do things that I love
• Avoiding people in general, except for work
• Irritable. In details: very nosy, pessimistic, sees no hope in everything, get angry easily, cold, impatient
• Excessive or lack of eating
• Almost never sleep. Very difficult to sleep. And again: work work work work
• Excessive drinking, alcoholic

• Continuous sadness and anxiety
• Constant flashback
• hopeless
• crying all the time, keep questioning why and why and why
• can barely get up
• Unable to do almost anything
• Almost total social isolation
• very difficult to remember things, except the bad memories. 
• constant useless feeling
• constant suicidal / death thoughts. 
• Nausea
• blank
• sleep endlessly and hoping to never wake up, but never feel fresh after sleep. High in number, very lacking in quality